Growing up, I’ve only subscribed to one method of self-motivation: it was through pressure. It was through tough love. And in my healing journey, I’ve only realized recently that it was self-abuse, too.
I know, “abuse” is too heavy of a word to just throw around. But now, I have the gift of hindsight and clarity. That’s simply how I was towards myself.
If I didn’t achieve the goals I had, it was because I didn’t pressure myself enough to reach them. If I failed, it was because I was foolish in my ways. If I tried again and still failed, it was probably because I didn’t deserve it. Or because there’s something inherently wrong with me. And when I did achieve something, it was out of sheer luck or coincidence. I was never one to give myself credit.
It made so much sense to me at the time. I mean, I had my fair share of achievements that I’m still proud of to this day when I was cruel to myself. Little did I know that I achieved those things in spite of it, not because of it. This is clear as day to me now. With this realization comes a level of liberation that feels empowering. I managed to achieve some things when I brought myself down every chance I got. And now, with this level of empowerment and support coming from within, the world is mine for the taking.
I never would have started this website with the frame of mind I had back then. I would’ve made all the excuses in the world to not pursue something I love. “I’m wasting money on the website that no one’s going to take seriously,” “No one is going to read anyway,” “There are so many better writers.” Can you imagine, it was like this everyday for years! Sometimes I am in disbelief on how far I’ve come. But I do know that I’ve worked hard for years to finally have a healthy and positive mindset, even when I didn’t know what that looks like or how it works. I’m thanking past Mikee for hanging in there. She was responsible for carrying the load and taking me where I am now. It’s the best place I’ve ever been in. Thank you for not letting up.
Compassion, not pity
Compassion and pity can feel eerily and scarily similar, especially when you’re fighting demons and losing. Both address the circumstance you’re in and find ways to make sense of it and seek comfort.
Yes, you read that right. Self-pitying can feel comforting, too. I was like this for a long time. I cringe when I think about it, but that’s what it was back then. It’s a practice from childhood I never outgrew, and never realized was self-pity until a few years ago. I thought I was just speaking the truth when I said these things. But those were my demons deceiving me.
It was a long process for me to outgrow this, and I might write about it extensively in the future, but what helped was being in an awful and unfair situation, leaving, and then immediately being thrust in a place with so much peace, support, and good vibes. In my case, a drastic and sudden change was key to immediately and clearly distinguishing the difference between chaos and peace; fear and motivation; punishment and accountability; deception and truth; and pity and compassion. It’s always the latter that serves everyone’s best interests. What I thought were similar are now night and day.
On Self-Respect
Sometimes, condoning your mistakes or shortcomings can also feel like self-compassion. These two can feel similar since both deal with the idea of taking it easy on yourself, and the notion that you deserve relief from difficult situations.
Kindness does not and should not equate to making excuses for yourself when you do not abide by your moral compass or follow through on your goals. Kindness is respecting thy self enough to uphold your values even in… nay, ESPECIALLY in the face of temptation, laziness, and/or cowardice.
In the same breath, kindness is keeping yourself accountable but not beating yourself up over your mistakes to the point of paralysis; to the point where you are unable take concrete steps to improve.
I imagine that it’s hard to distinguish the two from each other if a.) you have no examples of adults doing this growing up, so you have to learn from scratch b.) you’re caught up in your own demons to have the perspective and mental fortitude to do so c.) you have a hard time being honest to the point where you’ve deceived yourself into thinking that you’re not responsible for where you are at this stage of your life.
However, as one of my literary heroes Joan Didion beautifully put, “Character—the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life—is the source from which self-respect springs.” One of the three things I indicated above can be true. Heck, all three can be true for certain people, but it is when we stop being victims of our own lives and circumstances do we start to truly respect one’s self. And self-respect and kindness go hand-in-hand. You cannot practice one without the other. Cheating on your wife, while enticing and pleasurable, is a cruel thing to do not only to your wife, but to yourself. It’s you screaming from the rooftops that you are a coward. If that does not count as self-disrespect, then I don’t know what does.
Moving Forward
Only when I became kind to myself did I ever feel like I can achieve my dreams. And I’m not talking about this in a karmic sense where I say, “Aha, I’m being kind, and good things happen to those who are kind.” This, I believe, can be true too, but what I’m referring to here is the kindness that keeps me accountable, and empowers me to move forward and reach for the stars with my values and goals intact.
It’s a skill that I keep on honing, it’s a craft that I strive to master. And I’m grateful to be in the place where I can see this clearly.
Upon years of reflection, the decisions I made that hurt me and hurt certain loved ones in the process were born out of insecurity and unhappiness. I never want to make the same type of mistakes again, hence kindness towards myself is my utmost priority, because only then can I be truly kind to others. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.