“I would have been more devastated to not have been there for you.”
Hearing my best friend utter these words cemented my belief in love — this mysterious thing I’d searched for my whole life, tried to make sense of, yet never fully understood. Not until that rainy Saturday evening.
The midpoint of 2022 until the end of 2023 were the toughest moments of my life — a time when I wasn’t sure I still wanted to be here, or if I had any reason to be. I drowned in debilitating depression and turned the pain inward, inflicting unwarranted harm on myself. In doing so, I also hurt the people closest to me.
When I finally understood, I apologized. I told her I was sorry for the pain I caused — for the countless times I said I wanted to end everything, to leave everyone, even her. It would have been understandable if she left me. She looked at me and said, “I would have been more devastated to not have been there for you.”
It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. She just loved me. Plain and simple. Unconditional. Growing up, I believed I had to change everything about myself to be loved. And there was Francel, loving me through my worst, even when it was inconvenient.
For years after, I slowly picked myself back up. I learned discipline, and I learned self-compassion — not as opposing forces, but as two skills that work best hand in hand. I’ve grown into the best version of myself so far, and she’s still here. Her love never wavered — not at my worst, and not when I became better.
In the past few days, I’ve thought about how kind I’ve been towards myself, how positive and uplifting my self-talk has become. Then I realized: it’s how she has always spoken to me, especially when I was crashing. Now, it’s how I speak to myself.
There are no words to express my gratitude. And I love her just the same– constant, unshaken, whole.